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Eyes on the prize.
For the past 2 years, I have been comfortable; I have had steady progress, the freedom to explore my ideas, and good support all around. There have been ups and downs, but I have worked through the downs, emerging more victorious each time.
I am in control, and my voice is heard. I know what I am saying and doing, and I know that everyone who is watching agrees.
For what could be the first time in my life, I feel like things are stable, and I feel safe.
Yet this ease makes me uneasy. There is a nagging feeling that I could be doing more, I should be doing more, and that I am capable of so much more than this.
So here I sit, trying my darnest to memorize the meaning of words that I ought to have learned in my earlier years (but failed to because I was never bright enough) -- Injudicious, diffident, taciturnity, pellucidity, mercurial, polemical.........the list just keeps growing with each flip of the page.
It's almost like they expect human dictionaries to show up at the exams...
and that is not even the worst part.
I am trying my best to ignore the fact that I am still going to need letters from professors I never had the time to get acquainted with, and the fact that my transcript is worth as much as a rotten banana peel.
Not even going to go into details of what I will have to leave behind if things (miraculously) work out.
They say that comfort make the successful uncomfortable. Fingers crossed that this is true, and that my efforts will actually lead to something. I don't want to look back in regret, forever wondering what could have been.
