KITSCHYKITTY

No light, no light

2012-01-27T08:58:00.001+08:00

Recently developed a taste for slow(er), eclectic music. A product of living up in the mountains, no doubt.

Cosmic love

2012-01-19T09:24:00.002+08:00

To those who have been checking back consistently, hoping to find a spanking new post waiting eagerly to be read, only to be disappointed each time the page loads, I am truly sorry for my sudden, unexplained disappearance.

You see, my trusty little Toshiba has recently shown great desire to retire. My internet connection is erratic because after a certain period of internet use (ranging from 1-50 minutes,) the DNS lookup will, without fail, fail. The situation got so frustrating that last week I decided to just give up and spend all of my free time at Nicole's, watching Vampire Diaries instead. It's been working out fine so far, except today I ordered an iPad on impulse. #impulsecontrolfail ):

Anyway, it hasn't been snowing much, or at all, actually. But on the one day it snowed I sat by the window and watched for half an hour. Pictures from my first snow!

Also, in case you're blind and/or haven't been stalking me on facebook (highly likely, since according to the spotlight effect error, people generally pay less attention to you than you think they do, and as it is I tend to think that people don't pay much attention to me,) I spent New Year's at a strip club where L got really drunk (and generous) and went around paying for the strippers to rub their mighty bosoms in our faces. That got us really excited (and giggling like little children) for a while. Slurp.

That night I also forbade B from ever visiting a strip club without me.

I hate how abruptly I end my entries, but this is goodbye. I've been at this for 2 hours and my eyes are about to pop. No idea how I manage to write so slowly, but I sure hope this post gets published.

Till next time!

Christmas at the Weinstein's

2012-01-02T10:33:00.000+08:00

The title of this entry is misleading in more ways than one.
Firstly, I didn't actually spend Christmas day at Nicole's. Not unlike the many other years preceding this, I spent the day at work, feeling apathetic about the whole idea of Christmas. Except this year there was no after party with friends/family or walking around town admiring the lights--only an endless stream of complaints from fellow workers after a long day at work with the leftover children whose parents see no need and have no means to take them home for the holidays.
Secondly, I spent a good 8-9 days at the Weinstein's, & frankly speaking, it was more the warmth of her family/home than the sights in FL that made my trip. We had delicious home cooked meals with the family (courtesy of the mom,) and stayed up late watching cable/ playing with the dogs every night. We went shopping with the mom, hung out in the apartment with the dad and went to the beach with the brother--making up for all the familial love that I've missed for the past 6 months.
It was beautiful.

WE'RE IN MIAMI BITCH

2012-01-02T06:10:00.001+08:00

At Fort Lauderdale (love how the word Lauderdale rolls off the tongue so perfectly) we visited Hollywood beach and Las Olas. The two beaches are akin to our own East Coast beach and Keppel Bay.

Las Olas, (like Keppel Bay, though the latter is in no way as grandiose as the former is,) is home to the preposterous and extravagant. While cruising down the Millionaire's Row on our way out to the ocean to snorkel, we caught sight of countless mega yachts--some of which, according to our captain, cost over $200 million dollars. Most of these yachts were parked by opulent mansions that cost a little less than $50 million dollars, and owned by some of the richest people in the country.

On a related note, the weather was beyond terrible for snorkeling. We ended up seeing a couple of fishes before giving up and returning to the boat because of how much we were getting trashed around by the waves. It was unbearable. It was so bad that a couple of people started vomiting on board, and the sound...oh the sound of the abject..........

Snorkeling #fail!

We also went to Miami beach, which is something different altogether. It's like Sentosa, only infinitely better. Endless beaches, perfect restaurants, an abundance of activities.....Oh yes please.

Miami is also where Ultra Music Festival takes place annually (the line up is something like Tiesto, Afrojack, Groove Armada etc on Day One, Duck Sauce, Justice, Avicii, etc on Day Two, and D Guetta, Armin, Kaskade, Fedde Legrand & etc on Day Three. Sounds almost too good to be true....except tickets cost $600. Sigh. Somebody pass me my iPod now.

And that concludes my beach adventures in Florida!

Orlando 12/16

2012-01-02T06:00:00.000+08:00

Orlando was a dream come true--at least for me, because unlike my wealthier counterparts
(ahem) Universal Studios isn't one of those places I've visited to death. The Harry Potter theme song was playing in my head throughout the entire time I was in there, and I was like a crazy fan girl gasping and pointing at every single thing I saw. (gasp) Ollivander's! (gasp!) Hogshead! (double gasp!) HONEYDUKES! #notcool The train conductor (pictured) came up to us and told us that we were going to play Conductor Says, and we ended up eating Booger, Sausage, Grass, Linen and Vomit flavored jellybeans because Conductor Said.

We left Orlando in the evening all wet and sticky after several other exciting rides (which, to my horror, didn't even give me as much of an adrenaline rush as work does.) for a 3-4 hour drive to Nicole's house in Fort Lauderdale.

Trudging along

2011-12-09T05:49:00.000+08:00

I hate being unproductive. I hate staying home for the entire day without accomplishing anything. Laundry undone, house still looks like a train wreck, Xmas cards unwritten, you get the point. I'm writing this not for anyone else, but to convince myself that I need to get out of bed to start on my checklist. I'm beginning to think that I need to plan a schedule for all my days off. #nerd. Tonight I will take a long hot shower and feel better about (1)having to go to work every other day and still have a bank balance that's perpetually stuck at $SORELY INSUFFICIENT, (2)not having any necessities (no cereal, no milk, no shampoo etc.) due to the extensive work hours and lack of opportunities to go grocery shopping, (3)myself.

& now, onward to the land of the productive!

A struggle

2011-12-04T10:25:00.001+08:00

Every day of the past 2 weeks have been a struggle, and it almost feels like I've been functioning solely on the bouts of adrenaline rush that come with witnessing, or being in a fight. Sometimes it takes a little more than an instant for me to recover from listening to the prolonged painful screams of "GET OFF ME", but mostly the extensive action leave me unsettled and shaking for the rest of the night. (But they don't notice because I'm good at pretending, which this job requires so much of.)
Some nights I get nightmares of the children. How crass, how explosive, how volatile, how malicious, how dangerous they are. Some nights it gets to me.

I've been having recurring dreams related to my weight. I've gained at least 8 pounds since I got here, and it shows. I have nightmares about going home fat and ugly, and being teased mercilessly about my weight gain, and I almost always wake up in cold sweat. That's how much it bothers me. These days when I look in the mirror it pains me that I almost never find myself attractive anymore. Not even mildly. Not even with all that make up.

Sigh.

I'm going to have a good, long sleep tonight, and hopefully wake up feeling better about life tomorrow. I need to pull myself back together and get back in the game.
Goodnight!

Holding on to, what?

2011-11-24T01:18:00.000+08:00

It's hard to believe that it didn't at least cross your mind before those thoughts slipped your tongue and got spilled onto the keyboard. I forgive because it's part of what we do--we forgive to maintain the appearance of things--but I'll never forget, like I haven't forgotten your initial reaction to the fiasco that was last April.

Atlanta, GA

2011-11-20T13:08:00.000+08:00

3 night getaway at Hilton in Atlanta, renowned for it's hospitable residents (it's true!) and.....to be honest we chose to go because it's the only real city that's of driving distance and where Single Ladies is supposedly based in.

It was odd to see Asia serving as the backdrop of the IKEA display rooms. Dirty rivers? Bamboo poles? Tiny apartment blocks painted in awkward, clashing colors? Hell yeah!

Day 2 at the Georgia Aquarium was every bit of amazing. The place itself is huge in size (and well designed), and has little "petting areas" where you can pet stingrays, baby sharks and starfishes. The aquarium also holds more than 500 species of sea creatures--some of which includes the beluga whale, the whale shark, the manta ray and the piranha.
Technicalities aside, I had my eyes transfixed on that one gigantic tank for so long that I'm surprised I didn't turn into stone. If there was a blue whale and a couple of great whites I'm sure I'd have died from being overly enthralled.

The highlight of the next day was getting to sample 64 different fizzy drinks produced by the Coca Cola company before clearing out my bank account at f21.

En route home (after 3 nights' worth of bubble baths, cable tv and rolling around queen sized beds) we stopped for froyo, visited a little art gallery and had a long chat with its owner about how his family is blessed with the artist gene, and how painting is only a hobby that he happens to make extra money out of.
I've always hoped to be the kind of person who can spend half a day just sipping coffee and enjoying meaningful conversations with people I don't know, but in reality every time I stop to listen to someone I get this nagging feeling that I have to be somewhere else doing something more important than chatting idly (and being completely unproductive monetary wise,) and so I always make up reasons to excuse myself before walking away feeling extremely awkward and uncomfortable.

And so now I'm home with S, having a heated argument about relationships.
6 months into being here and she's had 2 men declare their love for her already. (You'll never hear the end of it from me)

always be contented

2011-11-09T16:10:00.000+08:00

this year was the first, in maybe 10 years, that my birthday didn't fall right in the middle of a crucial period in the academic calendar, and what did i do to celebrate my first year of freedom from examinations?
i rolled off the bed at 12 because the sun was shining too brightly in my face, and then worked my ass off for the rest of the day.
the end.

i got a couple of birthday wishes (one from a very persistent Kelly,) a birthday cake that, in the baker's own words, didn't taste like anything, a much needed gift card from Kimmy, a fake potted plant from the hilarious/lovely (weird combination) neighbors, and a pair of vintage Chanel earrings courtesy of the mature, independent and beautiful....me.

seeing as i now have my own house (where i'm very much allowed to do whatever the f i want to, since my wishes typically reflect my wife/housemate's desires,) i was expecting to throw a classy party and have all my guests come decked out in their most expensive dresses, pop a bottle of champagne (or five), have an abundance of mouth watering pastries to go around in a house that's dimly lit to create the perfect classy ambiance i was had envisioned for the party.

but that never happened. in reality i had a quiet (disregarding the fact that my days at work in a psychiatric facility are anything but quiet) day, and spent the rest of my night with a couple of friends, doing nothing much indeed. but strangely enough, i felt contented.

to everyone who remembered to wish, thanks for all the love. could feel it from 9862 miles away.

love you all!

Conflicted

2011-10-27T09:46:00.001+08:00

真矛盾。

The scenic route

2011-10-26T11:21:00.032+08:00

Last week we took a hike down to Crabtree Falls and it was glorious. The day was beautiful, and the temperature just about perfect. It was an amazing sight.

A lack of conclusion

2011-10-26T03:33:00.004+08:00

Last week I asked Sharissa if I should pick up a night shift on the 26th so that I can work into my 23rd birthday. She replied that she thinks I'm going crazy. I'm beginning to think the same.
We've been planning to escape the mountains for a few days of some sanity in the city (how ironic,) but after 5 weeks of planning we still haven't quite been able to put a finger on where to go, which leads us to believe that we are going to end up getting stuck in this place for our days off, which is a very unhappy thought.

On the bright side, my lover addressed some beautiful flowers to a Catherine Tay Manoharan and said (on the inside of the card),
"Today we celebrate your most difficult accomplishment--staying with me for the past year"

(grins some more)

What can I say, I'm a lucky girl!

a modicum of discontent.

2011-10-18T05:58:00.000+08:00

I was going to post an entry on How to be Happy, but seeing as how Happy is as close to my current emotional state as Singapore is to America, I think I should put that post off for a while.

Yesterday was such a depressing day. Made plans with two separate groups of people to visit the places that I've been positively dying to go, only to have them blow me off for one reason or another.

I hate how my plans are always adjusted to the convenience of others, and even something as simple as going grocery shopping is a favour from the kinder people around here. I feel so handicapped. I hate how the bus comes around only twice a day, and takes an hour (plus a transfer) to arrive at a destination that would typically take 7 minutes by car. I hate how inaccessible everything is, and how the nearest fast food place is a 20 minute walk away. I hate how there's nowhere to go at night, and how people are so fixated on getting laid. I hate how all their conversations begin with "so I met this boy/man/freak of nature last night..." I hate how everyone's idea of having a good time is sitting at the pub, drinking beer and growing fat. I hate how people are so fickle about the way they feel about others, one moment they like everyone, and the next you hear them back stabbing each other. Why?! I like people. I like to like people. I like to be consistent about how I feel about people.

I guess there are pros and cons to everything, even to living your dream, and I'm done ranting here. Maybe I'll drown my sorrows in some home made Jager bombs tonight.
Goodbye.

Purchase

2011-10-12T12:51:00.006+08:00

My closet is growing.

Just saying that alone makes me so happy, because I came with a luggage full of random tshirts, thinking that I'd need all of them for work, and that there'd be no occasions for my fancy dresses.

Although the latter is still true, I've recently acquired a couple more of those too-dressy-for-Asheville pieces--a knit dress from BCBGMaxazria, a bustier top from UO, a blazer from Charlotte Russe, a cable knit sweater from VS, a pair of really distressed jeans from BONGO(?!) and a pair of gorgeous, gorgeous heels from Nine West. Life, is gooooood.

Alright now, I need to get some rest before my work week begins again. I'm working extra hard to make up for my reckless spending, which, in my defense, went away for a good 2 weeks before coming back to haunt me again.

On the bright side, 4 days of being emotionally and physically abused before it's another long weekend!

Bye!

p.s The boyfriend's in KL, white water rafting and sleeping with 2 other men at our hotel :( Jealous.

Dualities of life.

2011-09-28T03:57:00.000+08:00

“What should I do about the wild and the tame? The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. I want to be held. I don’t want you to come too close. I want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. I don’t want to tell you where I am. I want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. I want to be with you.”

— Jeanette Winterson

Expectations v/s Reality

2011-09-26T10:27:00.001+08:00

Movies like Blue Valentine and Last Night leave me feeling very uneasy. They serve as a reminder of the fallibility of men and the ephemerality of love, and reinforce my cynicism about life in general.

On that same topic, these days I'm cautious about the use of that word, in part because it has been used and abused enough in my youth (in my shameless declarations to every other good looking person,) but also because I spent a good three years of my youth loving someone so much I thought I'd choke and die without him, but now I don't even have the slightest memory of what those days felt like. (Is that normal?)

Tonight I'm confused.

She's breathing, but only barely.

2011-09-21T06:24:00.004+08:00

Of...

pepperoni pizzas,

new accessories,

state fairs...

and some downtown lovinnnn'!

*****

I am blogging as the new and not necessarily improved Catherine with an ang mor accent (which I have, according to shahul and unbeknownst to me, acquired from my 3 and 1/2 months stay here), lighter brown hair and an extra 5 pounds around the waist.

The Americans are always complaining about how skinny I am, and flattering as it is to be called skinny, it makes me feel very uncomfortable about my size. It's as though I need to put on weight so that they will stop harping on how small I apparently am. So now I am 5 pounds heavier than I was when I came. I am pathetic and I succumb to non-existent pressure.
The stupid boyfriend spent a good 5 minutes mocking me when I told him how much I currently weigh. I am only X kgs heavier than you, Cat! A girl shouldn't weigh so much!! Bloody hell. With that said, I still fit into UK6 pants so it can't be that bad, so don't you dare ask if I've grown fat.

But so I've been busy making pizzas and picking up too many extra shifts for the money. I still have a lot of fun because Kim drives me around in circles while I blast my bubble gun and that makes me go hysterical(in a good way). In short, I'm good.

Buddha say As you walk and eat and travel, be where you are. Otherwise you will miss most of your life.

xx

It's been a long time coming.

2011-09-09T01:20:00.002+08:00

Its been raining for the past couple of days. The weather has turned chilly (11 - 20deg) and all the june bugs and fireflies have mysteriously disappeared. Everyone's been saying that they guess Summer's over, and thank god for that, because they were getting tired of the heat. And while I really should be reveling in the promises of Fall (i.e the one hundred thousand pores on my face that bloomed in the humidity of summer might magically disappear like the june bugs and fireflies,) I can't quite help but be fixated on how this means we've already been here for 3 months, and that there's only 9 more to go before we have to go home. The speed at which time passes us by scares me sometimes. Like now.

It's a strange feeling, to be so confused about what I want. I feel like I'm at a fork, and all the paths before me spell regret. Last night while waiting for a friend to walk me to her little cottage in the woods, I noticed that the lights on the surrounding mountains looked a lot like the little dots of light emitted by the cable cars going to and fro Sentosa (although it was so foggy in the distance that I believe those lights would look like anything, as long as you thought hard enough, or missed a certain place enough.) For a split second I think I actually managed to convince my brains that I was back home, watching the cable cars go. It was a funny sensation.
I want to go home. But then I don't.

Last night I had the most exciting dream of my life. I dreamt that I climbed to the top of an unbelievably tall skyscraper (so high the ground was a blur) and slid down the side of the building to the alfresco area of some restaurant a couple of storeys down, where Bervin caught me. It was so exhilarating I let Bervin convince me to do it over and over again. "Don't worry, I'll catch you!" Dreams like that scare me, because I've got a nagging feeling that one day I will do something like that on impulse. Or while sleep walking. Anyway I'm sure dreams like this have legit meanings. I've been having so many dreams that I'm afraid my subconscious might just explode on me one day.

I'm going to publish this entry before I regret something, or feel stupid and decide to not do it. Or edit it so much that I eventually feel even more discontented with it that it just disappears, like the 50 posts before it. I am ridiculous like that.

Lol.

2011-08-31T14:51:00.000+08:00

Completely irrelevant, but when I was younger my dad always told me that I looked like Olive Oyl.
Like, Popeye's girlfriend?

Mindful days

2011-08-26T17:02:00.000+08:00

5 days to 3 months.

One lazy friday in America

2011-08-21T00:08:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was all about Project art-decor and curry puffs. We got some color on our walls and tossed out the old and mouldy shower curtain (to make space for this new one!) While out S also bought a Canon G12 because bitch is rich like that. Afterwards we had curry (rice) for dinner and it was so good that at one point I stopped eating and gave S a very big hug.

The weather is also turning cooler and the june bugs have gone, so I suppose Fall must be coming. They say that Asheville becomes very pretty in Fall because of all the color. I'm excited.

I'm going to get some food to fill my stomach. B&J, anyone?

Discontent.

2011-08-19T11:16:00.001+08:00

Look what came in the mail!

I put my dress on and did a little twirl today. I have decided that since I'm not going to be able to go out in all my pretty dresses (due to the serious lack of occasion), I am going to start wearing them to sashay around the house. I reckon that photo taking/editing will be a good way to distract myself from doing anymore online shopping anyway, so you can expect to see a lot of me in the next couple of weeks.

The novelty of working in the mental health field/living in the US has died down by a lot. These days I find myself complaining about being stuck in the wilderness with nothing remarkably exciting(/accessible) to do more than appreciating being away from the excessive noise, traffic and general air of discontent that living in a city entails. I've been putting so much focus on all the things that I'm missing out on--like being able to see bervin/party/meet the cul-de-sac whenever I need stress relief--that I have forgotten about the other simpler things that make me happy. Tomorrow I am going to try to make myself feel better by going for a run, and then to the labyrinth (located at the highest point of the grounds around here, and has a magnificent view) to clear my thoughts. I need to get used to healthier means of stress relief.

For now I'm going to nap because Sharissa is expecting me to relieve her from duties at 3am.

Goodnight all, see you real soon.

Dualities of life.

2011-08-17T22:38:00.000+08:00

Like Jekyll misses Hyde.

Sigh.

i'm addicted to shopping.

2011-08-17T00:56:00.000+08:00

I am having such a hard time controlling my spendings, and it's certainly not helping that I get to skip the onerous process of ( __USD x 1.2 + shipping cost = total spending) on every purchase since money comes into and out of my pocket in USD, and shipping is mostly free. It makes splurging so much easier. Just Click. Click. Click. Buy. Buy. Buy

With that said, shopping here is incredible. Last week an embellished maxi dress that I got from Warehouse for 1/10th of it's original price came in the mail and I almost cried when I tried it on because it was such a steal. Next week I'm expecting a bustier dress that I got on sale to arrive, and then I'll take a shot of my shopping haul and convince myself to stop shopping. Don't think it's right that I should be scrimping on food just to fuel my online shopping expenses.

Shall go have breakfast and convince myself to go to work.
Have a great day, yall.

I'm in a love-hate relationship with home.

2011-08-08T00:02:00.001+08:00

They say it's not so much the place but the people that you miss, but I miss the bright lights, the freedom, the familiarity and the accessibility of living back at home. And I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but a very tiny part of me misses the affluent, the flashy and the materialists that make the city. Perhaps I miss living in a city.
Or maybe I just don't like feeling so invisible.

Bellshare

2011-08-06T02:30:00.002+08:00

Last Friday at Bellshare;

So my stomach has been making weird rumbling noises since yesterday afternoon. And it kinda reminds me of how my mom used to trick me into thinking that the inside of my stomach is a huge grinder that grinds the food I consume (for digestion), and when there is no longer any food left for it to grind, it starts grinding itself, as a result of which gastric pains occur, and the weird rumbling sounds are indicators of that process taking place. She thought that her version of digestion was much easier for a 10 year old to comprehend. I don't think she knows how much on an impact her convenient explanations had on my later (generally unsuccessful) attempts at learning science. Not that I'm complaining though.

Going back to what I was going to talk about, the Bellshare festival was horrible. Well, the festival itself was great. Or at least interesting. There was food from around the states, an abundance of performers, lots of art/craft stalls, ridiculous preachers (who made it a point to keep emphasizing, on their loudhailers, that fornicators and homosexuals will go to hell, and that whoever disagreed were children of the devil............................) and a generally happy crowd. Until the clouds parted. The heat was atrocious. It put all of us in a weird space and soon we decided that we had better left the oven that was Bellshare. And off we went, to the mall instead.
Later that night we went to the Cinebarre, which I will reserve for another entry because it is so cool it deserves one on its own.

For now I suppose I will have to go fill my tummy up before the grinder breaks down.

Little box of love

2011-08-03T21:56:00.000+08:00

S's ukelele came in the mail, and she's been trying to tune it ever since. It's rather odd watching her sit on the bed trying to strum that tiny thing. But anyway my package is finally heeeereeeee! I got 4 letters (that really cracked me up and made my night,) 3 boxes of contact lenses, a charm and 3 packets of mee goreng (because when they asked what I'd like for them to mail me I emphasized mee goreng.)
The letters are now on my wall, and I'm trying to save my maggi mee for a rainy day. Thank you guys (especially you, annnnnn) for all the love! hugs kisses hugs kisses hugs kisses + 20 rounds of monopoly deal!

Last Friday Night

2011-08-03T01:07:00.000+08:00

Last Friday N and I spent the entire day shopping (without really buying anything), and ended up at the Bellshare festival at night to watch a co-worker perform with his hip hop crew. We walked around and stopped by a pub to fuel my alcoholic friends. By the time we reached our destination almost all the other interns were already there/making their way there. The interns work on alternate days/schedules, which means we hardly get to hang out because of our clashing working hours. & it's either that or we're working in different cottages/facilities, which makes it even more difficult to even see each other. But last Friday night more than half of the interns were there, and we all went crazy rapping, running down the roads like lunatics, running away from crazy beggars, asking each other stupid questions and driving through taco bell and mcdonalds at 3am for food. It was good, clean fun.

In other related news, it's been a crazy week. I've been trudging along without constantly trying to make sense of the commotions going on around me. It's so tiring to keep trying to keep track of the petty fights that 12 year olds engage in 60 times an hour. And at the end of each work week I find myself needing more time to recover from bearing with all the craziness (pun intended) of dealing with highly volatile children.
I need a holiday.

You, can do anything

2011-07-30T01:11:00.002+08:00

I am really enjoying the fact that I am able to bust into Sharissa's room and jump on her when she's asleep on her stomach any time I want.

On another note, Sharissa just ordered a Ukelele online.

& in between buying a tonne of dresses and transferring x hundred dollars home, I'm saving up for an Xbox with Kinect for winter! EGGGGCITED!

Till next time!

[:

2011-07-29T00:44:00.002+08:00

It's funny how things change. Back in secondary school I used to look up to a lot of people for the wrong reasons. I used to think this particular girl was cool because she rocked Roxy bags and had a thousand different hairbands, and was always in the arms of one or another St. Pats boy (don't judge me.) Back then those were the most important things. I thought that if I was cool like that I'd have as many friends, and boys would maybe like me ~~more~~.

Then when I was in JC I was myself. I guess you could say I was a men repeller. Not that I repelled the boys -- in fact out of the 20 people I hung with most often, only 4 were girls. But my sexual attractiveness was non existent. But I was happy. For the most part. And yet many a time I wished I was more like the girls seated next to me in class. Girls who knew how to behave like girls. Who used body lotion after PE and who smelled wonderful all the time.

After I graduated from JC all I really did was party. And party. And party. And party. And in those years I grew up a lot, saw a lot of the real world and learned the ways of men. Jerks, in particular. I learned to take things with a pinch of salt, to bid people hello and goodbye with one kiss, to deal with parting, to swallow my pride. I learned why men stray, what men like, what true friends are made of, what alcohol does to your rationality, what kind of perks really pretty girls get (which I can only be envious of) and what money can buy --which is almost everything. even sincerity, sometimes.

These days I am comfortable with being myself. Of course there still is an insatiable desire for more x because x makes one powerful, and I doubt that will ever change. But right now I like who I am, and as much as I still wish I was more like my socialite friends who are gorgeous, have an abundance of x in their trust funds, and have mighty good brains.....
I like being me.

And when I stumble upon the facebook pages of the girls who used to impress me so... I gloat. Because they're so ordinary now it's almost appalling.

Haha.

American Dream

2011-07-26T14:05:00.003+08:00

One day when i'm feeling really, really stressed i will spend $70 on 20 tubs of Haagen Dazs (one in each flavor, and if I run out of flavors to buy I'll hoard the chocolate flavored tubs and be secretly pleased) and stare my freezer until I'm happy again.
When I grow up (well technically that means when I have enough money to afford my own fridge) I will stock one fridge full of Haagen Dazs, Fiji and Moscato. And Andes chocolate.
With that said, I'm not feeling particularly stressed out or anything right now. In fact all is going well at work. Sure there's the occasional frustration that comes quite naturally with this line of work, but I am getting along fine. I like the (bulk of the) people I work with, and it feels nice to always be on my feet, participating in activities, being an educateur, making a difference. It's also nice to be living in a community setting, to always be able to run down the steps to knock on 5 other doors to see the people I really like. This feels like the college experience I never had (which I deeply resent NUS, and by implication, Singapore for.)

Some time ago a friend told me that her best friend is raking in a five figure sum a month from interning at an investment firm. And that upset me just a little, because it will take another 11 months for me to see five figures on my bank statement. And that is only if I manage to not spend a single cent for the next one year. Which is impossible.

But last weekend really made me feel like this is all worth it.
So last Friday we were all bored and Nicole decided that we were going to The Sliding Rock (apparently a must go) and so off we went with a towel and shirt in hand.
*At this point I would like to say that I think the best thing about this internship is Nicole Weinstein. We are her first close Asian friends, by the way. And she really enjoys teasing us with statements like All Asians speak one language -- Asian. We typically respond by throwing her dirty looks, but we're never really offended because we love her so much.
When we're in her car we blast Tiesto/Benni Benassi/La Roux/Otherwise unspecified songs and start bobbing and dancing like no one's watching, which really reminds me of home, and the cul-de-sac crew.

But On to the Sliding Rock.

Photos from my trusty little android and S's canon, plus a video just to show you what the sliding rock experience was really like in motion. It cost us a dollar to get to the rock but it was well worth the money. We went on it twice, and it was so exhilarating.
Along the way up to where the rock was we passed a lot of stops that gave us clear views of the picturesque surrounding mountains/landscape.

But the deal breaker was probably when N and I decided to go hiking, which we decided to do because the sign said that it was a 1 mile hike to the waterfall, and that didn't seem too treacherous/daunting. During the hike it struck me that I was living my dream. I am living my dream. I am doing the things I've always wished to do but never had the chance/guts to.
The hike, and the trip, had such a profound impact on me that I honestly cannot be happier about being here, and doing what I am doing. Despite my meagre salary.

Goodnight all.

15072011

2011-07-16T03:48:00.002+08:00

It's over.

2011-07-16T02:15:00.002+08:00

It has come to my attention how devoid of content my recent entries have been. work has robbed me of all the energy i need to be interesting, and it seems to be the only thing i can talk about as of late.

Nicole, S and I have been trying to explore Asheville as much as possible on our days off, but these days I find myself retreating into my shell a lot, especially when it comes to attending parties. I just don't see a point in mingling when all we end up doing is go back to talking about work anyway. All I want to do is dance, and have thus resigned to turning up my iPod and dancing in front of the mirror (creates the illusion that I'm not the only lame person dancing in the room) every once in a while. Sigh. #confessionsofaloser.

Gypsy Fair

Lake Lure

Last weekend we went to the aforementioned lake because it was one of the things #todo in Asheville, at least according to several travel websites. We were made to pay $8 for the dirty brown water, coarse synthetic sand and abundance of geese/ducks waddling around. On the upside the view was amazing. Everything felt so peaceful and natural (completely disregarding the fake sand), and everyone there seemed to be having a good time. Nicole and I spent a good 10 minutes taking in the sights on our blue floats before it started to pour.

And there went our $8.

On another note I caught the first available Harry Potter last night (at 12:01!) and it was such an amazing experience. There were people dressed up as Death Eaters, House elves, Gryffindor students (in capes and all) and someone even went as Hedwig. Oh, and I also saw a Bellatrix Lestrange! So exciting!

Everyone present in the cinema seemed to know the story, and at the death of every death eater the crowd cheered. When Fred died there were people crying so loudly I could hear them from all the way at the back, and when Sirius appeared/Snape died I got the chills because it reminded me of how I cried buckets while reading the last book.

When the movie ended I felt so complete, like a part of my life has finally gotten closure. #nerd. But I have, after all, been a fan of HP since I was 12. I practically grew up with Harry.

I'm off.

fuck you.

2011-07-15T03:53:00.001+08:00

if what we've been through really mattered that much to you it wouldn't have been so easy for you to break all the promises you made without considering what it would do to us.

goodbye.

F for a couple of words--friday, fuck, freedom, and Fights.

2011-07-08T16:08:00.002+08:00

"The first time she met him he had on a shirt that said MUFFDIVER. I knew what he was like, so I told her that he wasn't the kind of guy that she would want to end up with. But she was head over heels in love with him. She told me she thought he was so good looking. They saw each other for about 2 months, and got married. I mean, this guy had all the signs of a douche bag--he never met her family and he never bothered to learn her language. (And here I was taking Hangugeo languages from Suna, and meeting her entire extended family and conversing with them in Hangu, just to convince them to let me marry her. He didn't even meet her parents.) Less than a year after they got married he told her that the military had him transferred back home and he needed to leave. Two weeks later, before she could even settle her documents to join him, he told me that he was madly in love with another woman that he had just met."

life.

2011-07-06T00:29:00.002+08:00

Eat,

Drink, and........

BE MERRY!!!!

(hahahahahaha)

FARM TOUR.

2011-07-03T01:08:00.001+08:00

Last week we went for a farm tour but the farms around here turned out to be nothing but patches of dry land with sparse vegetation and, if we were really lucky, some sunflowers. But the sky was really pretty, and I guess it could count as hiking, since we are technically in the mountains...(shrugs)

Y'ALL.

2011-07-01T12:22:00.000+08:00

Hi y'all! (they do y'alls a lot here in NC, i think.)
It's been TOO LONG since i last blogged, and that's only partly because I've been kinda busy settling in (i.e begging friends for rides to town to get blinds, clothes and other necessities.) Truth is I just haven't been able to put enough words together to form an entry. Coming up with an entry worth reading is simply too much work.

But here's an update, in case you were looking for one (i.e if you belong to my cul de sac crew...)

(colors obviously tweaked 'cos I recently discovered little photo on my android.)

In case you don't already know, I'm in Asheville, NC. And I live 10 minutes away from downtown Asheville by car.

Downtown Asheville is kinda hippy. Boho. Free spirited. Whatever. There are street performers everywhere every single day--tap dancing, singing, playing the guitar, you name it--and people who just sit around in groups and chill on the sidewalk. There are people who get drunk mid day and start laughing and dancing outside the bars, there are crowds of people doing hula hoops in the park (or whatever that is.) and there's a drum circle every friday night where everyone basically gathers to either shimmy to the beat or watch the drum circle made up of what looks like...anyone with an instrument that provides a beat.
Watching the drum circle last friday night just made me miss home so much more, because I know that the cul de sac'd love it here.
So here's what it looks/sounds like.

The tempo around here is a lot slower than it is back at home, and I get people asking me about Singapore everyday. It's kinda funny because I can always tell when people don't know what Singapore is, and they try to mask their ignorance by saying things like oh! i know what Singapore is like! you guys suck on pig legs. (YES. MY FAVOURITE FOOD IS ALSO GRILLED DOG MEAT.)
Anyway as I was saying before I got slightly infuriated, I kinda (only kinda because I am after all born and bred a city girl) like how slow it is around here. Everyone seems to actually be breathing, unlike back at home where we seem to always be either (1)brisk walking to somewhere, (2)talking rapidly without taking breaths, or (3)jabbing away on our blackberry keypads.

Asheville is very big on local produce, and frankly speaking I don't know how the shops survive selling random gypsy clothes and whatnots, but they do. They sell the most random things--like, there's an entire store that solely sells wigs, and another that only sells clothes with the american flag printed on them.
....NO RLY. HOW.

(nini on left and ebony on right at Barcade, which is basically a bar, and an arcade.)

On another note, I h8 the nightlife. Not a fan of alcohol (might sound like a joke BUT IT IS NOT) but the closest thing to a club they have here is really just a pub with a makeshift table for the console (and the dj who alternates between really ancient r&b songs and 80s music. KILL ME NOW.)
Last week we went to the aforementioned club and it sucked so bad. I got so depressed thinking about Zouk and St James and the first time I saw bear (in his beige suit and subsequently developed a colossal crush on him) and the retarded mat rep dances with shahul and lynn, plus the weekly escapades with tyy that I almost decided to call it quits to fly home. But of course I didn't. I didn't acquire huge debts to come here just to go home without a fight.
I WILL SURVIVE.

---

On Tuesday we went Tubing and it was such an adventure I almost died laughing because of how ridiculous things got while we were cruisin' along the river.

S's tube got stuck between a rock and a tree trunk and she couldn't dislodge herself (hahaha), Neda (far right) fell off at the rapids (which were really rapid, btw) and almost drowned, Chris, Neda and I hit a branch that was holding up a BEE HIVE and THE BEES FLEW OUT and we almost died panicking because our tubes were tied together.
The view was amazing and yeah it did kinda look like Malaysia but seriously how different can rivers get.

---

Okay then. I've got a lot more updating to do but the internet's still not working on my laptop and I'm on S's, which, in short, just means that I cannot blog anymore.
So...TILL NEXT TIME!

Food for thought.

2011-07-01T07:33:00.000+08:00

I expect too many grand gestures.

Water for elephants

2011-06-11T01:25:00.001+08:00

"and y'know...I'm a star attraction. Out there, I got nothin'. Just like everybody else." - Marlena

Old friends and old times ahead

2011-06-09T13:56:00.001+08:00

New York

New Jersey

Today marks the last day of our week long break/grad trip. bah. 2 hours from now we'll be on a 20 hour long bus ride to Asheville where life will officially begin. There's so much to worry about but I'm refusing to think about anything just as yet. It's been such a wonderful week in NYC and Wildwood, but I miss home already. And in between getting stalked at M&Ms and getting repeatedly harassed on the streets of NYC, I wonder if Singapore misses me too.

Darling close the curtains

2011-05-29T13:58:00.000+08:00

Was hoping to catch a glimpse of universal studios at night, but the girls at the ticketing booth told us that the $5 tickets have gone on a hiatus and may or may not be back in July. Sure I'll check back at universal studios in July. IN ORLANDO, MAYBE. I look like such a dork with all the light sticks hanging around my neck, but bear insisted that I looked really cute and let's face it, I'd put on a pumpkin suit if he told me I looked cute in it.

Parting shot!

two.

2011-05-28T10:52:00.000+08:00

you'll all get on fine without me.

xoxo

Studio M

2011-05-26T12:15:00.000+08:00

you're perfect.

Photo post!

2011-05-21T02:20:00.003+08:00

Sedap Corner at Simpang with 5 out of 7 of the Ass Club

--courtesy of Afiq who's now cooler than the rest of us because he owns a Mac Book and survived a week in the rural areas of Cambodia. (photos from hanis's canon. i personally prefer canon to nikon because of the brilliant colors it delivers)

St. James with the cul-de-sac crew (we party too!) and Kat

Zouk with TYY
To mark what could be the end of our crazy journey at zouk (for this year at least), we decided to pop a bottle of Moet for just the two of us. How terribly romantic.
While high on champagne (half a bottle does make you a little woozy) we did a recap of all the things that happened in our 3 years of late night escapades--in these 3 years we've met the most extravagant, arrogant, thoughtless and brainless people. We've watched them fuck up, we've watched each other fuck up, we've watched each other fuck up with them (haha i can hear you shooting yourself at this point, tyy) and fuck them up. But we've also met the most amazing, humble and brilliant people, and I like to think that we've learned a lot from them.

In sum, it's been such a ridiculously dramatic, wild ride
& I'm reeeeallly glad I found a lasting friend in you, tyy. *air kiss*

Pirates & Sakae Pasta
The day after the champagne farewell we went about town in heels and matchy white dresses.

Randomly hanging out & Malaysia with the cul-de-sac crew
Also, on Tuesday we went for badminton (yes I do sports thanks) and headed to Malaysia after to get my spects done. I like road trips. They make me happy. Especially with the crew. They make me very happy too.

In other news, I haven't seen Bervin in ages. Too many rushed meetings and angry partings, but I think we will kiss and make up this weekend and I am looking forward to that.

Also, I'm done with the entire Season 2 of Cougar Town, Season 1&2 of Skins, Season 4 of Gossip Girl, Last Night, Limitless, Pirates, The Other Woman, Room Mate, Fast 5, Beastly and Priest. And that, is a whole lot of TV and movies. Fast 5 and Last Night come up tops in my list of movies to watch, even though Johnny Depp was (as usual) a real joy to watch.

Okay my bun is weighing down on my poor head and I need to go get some rest, so bye!

Running out of time.

2011-05-20T16:10:00.000+08:00

Schedule.

19/05: Yuyang

20/05: Family/Pack

21/05: Bervin

22/05: Bervin

23/05: Bervin

24/05: Bervin (flies to Brunei)

26/05: Family/Pack

27/05: Cul-de-sac crew

28/05: Cul-de-sac crew

29/05: Last minute packing/Cry

30/05: Fly.

If you haven't already made plans to see me, then you probably aren't going to see me for the next 390 days (thereabout), which isn't really such a long time considering how I tend to disappear for 4 months at a time during school term and 390 days is really only about 3 times of that...........
Alrighty, off to keep mom company!

What the fuck my life.

2011-05-14T02:35:00.004+08:00

Yesterday morning I woke up, stretched my arms, and accidentally flung my phone off the bed--against the wall, and then against my bed frame. It finally landed (very violently) on the marble floor. Afterwards it refused to show anything but a white screen.
Went to the singtel shop today only to have them tell me that because I broke the warranty seal by very cleverly deciding to change my white case to the gold one that Ann bought for me, I now have to pay $262 for a replacement phone even though I have 2 months of warranty left.
Fuck, my fucking life.

And then like icing on the cake, my mom just came into my room to take a good look at it, because she plans to rent it out the moment I'm gone. Excuse me? I won't even be gone for that long? Moving out for 365 days is as good as moving to hall for a year, and whose parents rent their rooms out the moment they're gone?! When I told her very indignantly that I wasn't going to move my books from the shelves, she casually replied that she will just pack my stuff into boxes when I leave.
Thanks, mom. Really. Thanks.

Worst day of my life.

Now don't bother texting or bbm-ing me unless you're going to offer to lend me your spare blackberry (which I know will not happen because I am not the Singtel grid girl winner and regular folks like me don't have such luck) because (1)I wouldn't know whotf you are, (2)I don't have bbm, (3)I'm too broke to go out, and way too angry to entertain anyway.

Bye.

last night.

2011-05-10T01:19:00.000+08:00

Such a beautiful, beautiful movie.

Nothing, nothing's wrong.

2011-05-08T16:35:00.002+08:00

darling girls.

on friday night i went to velvet for a sit with the girls before bear showed up in a biker jacket looking hot as fuck and whisked me away to town for Thor. I was expecting a lot more since everyone's been raving about it, but it wasn't that fantastic, comparable to Tron, save for the fact that Chris Hemsworth is infinitely hotter than Garrett Hedlund. afterwards we bumped into B's friend and headed to Orchard Towers to listen to a live band (bet you didn't know that people went to OT for live bands) and feast on sleaze.

& last night I met the bear for sushi tei (mmmm dragon rolllll) and Fast5 which was soooo good before the gang came around and found me at the curb looking like a disaster. they brought me home to change before we headed down to Clark Quay to listen to people sing in dialect/thai/very bad english.

by the end of the night everything was okay again.
I guess I'm in such a mess only because I am the mess. I am the one with the colossal faults, the one who can never get anything right, the one who screws everything up by just being myself.
I am the monster girlfriend in all the horror ex girlfriend stories you hear.

And sometimes, sometimes, like now, I tire of being myself.

2011-05-06T13:04:00.001+08:00

This is Bervin when I talk about Tomato's, or Breakfast Deluxe, or Famous Amos:

hahahahahahahhahahahahaha

( .....so gonna miss this face when i'm gone )))))): )

que sara, sara

2011-05-01T23:29:00.001+08:00

Most of us pay a price for being stupid. I am just unlucky enough to have to pay double.
As of now I am broke (cost of stupidity), angry (i can feel my skin heating up from my boiling blood), and exhausted from these unceasing fights. my days are marked by frustration and anxiety and i am wearing thin from trying to stay strong. inside it is a mess. my assumptions have been completely shattered (for what is karma but a very bad joke to me now.) I have lied and betrayed for a cause I had so passionately believed to be worthy, only to discover at the end of the day that it is I who have been lied to and betrayed. I have been defeated, and I don't want to get back on my feet anymore.

stabbing can be done single handedly.

2011-05-01T21:36:00.001+08:00

i never did, still don't, and will never think that i was at fault.
you tend to repress the memories of anything that makes you look bad. and forget you may, but the memory of how i practically begged you to understand the predicament i was in, and how you scoffed at me in return will forever remain fresh in my head.
you might have managed to convince yourself that it takes two hands to clap, but you will never convince me. not on this.

worry worry worry worry worry.

2011-05-01T18:20:00.002+08:00

just when things were beginning to look a bit better this has to happen.

so this is murphy's law.

Envy.

2011-04-30T00:13:00.000+08:00

But O, how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes.

party rock is in the house tonightttt

2011-04-29T20:31:00.000+08:00

my first time at st james!

(photos from march, i think? haha)

(with maria, lynn and wilson the birthday boy.)

my first time at st james was pretty good because the people at st james are really passive (which means no fights, and no getting molested) but i doubt i will be going back there anytime soon because the (1)baggage deposit does not come for free (2)they are always out of glasses and serviettes, which is ridiculous (3)the toilet smells really bad.

also, zouk has finally decided to replace andrew chow with dj eclipse and ghetto, so tease on saturday nights are now pretty eargasmic. plus they now have a tiny podium (which accomodates about 4 girls in total) in front of the dj console where i can live out my fantasies of being a bar top dancer hahahaha.

okay i realized that i really am clueless about how to end my entries.

so like, okay i'm done with my chicken chop and star fruit i think its about time i started studying.

bye !

caged heels and caped dresses

2011-04-29T02:27:00.005+08:00

supposed to be studying for my final paper, but i have decided to give myself a day off to celebrate getting my appetite back--i had a mcnuggets meal, 2 crystal jade buns, m&ms, a tazo passion tea and 5 mochis (i bought a box of 15...) for lunch before having dinner as usual, and a bag of jack & jills after that. HAHAHAPPINESS.

but anyway, while i am procrastinating studying, i might as well as show you what i've been admiring on the www. (on a side note, i wonder if its stupid to be so set on bringing all 3 pairs of my favorite heels along with me to the states... :|)

fabulous photos afore serve as a prelude to the big question that is this purchase which i have been contemplating for the longest time:

should i.........or.......should i?

no that wasn't a question.
am just going to buy it when i'm feeling a little more impulsive.

but anyway, remember how i was expressing my desperate need to lay my hands on this moschino belt (click!) about two months back?

well one fine night after partying, tyy surprised me with a very heavy box containing this:

and a very sweet little note before she hopped off the cab. awwwwwwwwww? (even though it's not the real deal........hahha) thank you tyy *kiss kiss*

okay now, it's almost 3 and i am falling asleep (my forte). goodnight!

Just like old times

2011-04-27T10:40:00.002+08:00

today;

four papers down, one more to go before my life as an undergrad in nus comes to a close.

today's paper wasn't too bad. except i had so little to write that i ended up dozing off a couple of times at my seat. (how i manage to fall asleep during my papers is beyond me, so don't bother asking.) afterwards i took a nap before heading out to run some errands and showing up at Mid Summer Night Breeze (what. a. mouthful.) at Pasir Ris with Ann to give Sheena a surprise.

(while at tampines i finally bought a new chain for my pendant! plus silver polish (dip) for $5! now it looks good as newwww. oh, and my passport holder (the brown thing my necklace is resting on) came in the mail today. so pretty, and so cheap! $7+ only!)

Sheena's 23rd;

Awwww friends since we were 13

...even thought technically speaking Sheena and I hated each others guts until we started working together at Fish & Co. at 15.

But anyway! Quote of the day!
"They say that if you want to know what your girlfriend will look like in future all you need is to look at her mom. I really cannot imagine loving your mom." -Eugene to Sheena

Wokays I'm off now! Time to clean my room up a bit!

i know what i have and i know whats important.

2011-04-26T19:47:00.002+08:00

today i told mom that i love her. not directly, of course. i had to twist my words into something like i wouldnt want to have anyone else as my mom just so we don't both cringe and spasm on the floor.
i know she was very pleased because she blew me an air kiss before she left for work. haha. i love my mom.

aw schweet mushy schtuff.

2011-04-24T20:25:00.004+08:00

They say that you should find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on; the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is is to have you; the one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'

I say that you should wait, until you find the guy whose favorite way to fall asleep is with you resting on his chest; the guy who, finding you at the other end of the bed in the middle of the night, will roll over to hug you from behind; the guy who knows how to handle at your worst, whose hugs make all the pain go away, who never lets you leave, who calls you back 5 minutes after a fight just to tell you how much of a jerk you are for hurting him so bad, who cannot bear the thought of staying mad at each for more than an hour, who will never give up on you and who never disappears or puts his friends above you. Most importantly, wait for the guy who knows that you're flawed in every way but who loves you like you're perfect anyway. Wait for the guy who is worth your kisses and your tears. He may take a year, or maybe even four, but he will come; and when he does, take a chance, make the leap, keep him close, and don't be afraid to love him back with everything you've got.

We have our fair shares of insanely stupid fights, but at the end of the day, there is no one else in the world I'd rather be with than Bervin. No one at all.

I <3 you Bear.

i could watch you for a lifetime

2011-04-24T10:44:00.003+08:00

It's just...nobody's ever looked at me the way you just did.

Epiphany came this morning.

2011-04-24T01:46:00.005+08:00

Today I finally understood that
Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean that they don't love you with everything they have.

Frustrated.

2011-04-24T00:10:00.001+08:00

Moral of the story: Never trust module codes/titles that pique your interest. Always pick university modules that sound the least interesting, and the most challenging to do.
Case in point, Victorian Literature was a breeze compared to Literature and Psychoanalysis (even though the latter sounds infinitely more interesting); Psycho biological perspective to Emotions was a lot easier to score than Social Psychology (which studies human behavior, which is supposed to be the most interesting facet of Psychology); and History of Science was ten times easier than Perfumes and Cosmetics (superficial, but you must admit that there is something attractive about a module titled as such).

I am going through hell right now trying to vomit an essay on the Abject (that's right, still on this damned piece of work). This is, thus far, the worst Lit module I have ever taken. It is utterly unfathomable what Jaques Lacan (whose name is, ironically, pronounced as Jack Ass Le Cunt) and Kristeva are trying to prove. They bring bullshit to a whole new level. And while I must admit that my lack of depth might be the root of the problem, you must know that my dear friend S (who is known for her grasp of the E language), along with all the other Lit prodigies (their contributions in the other lit modules we've taken in common attest to their brilliance) I personally know are struggling with this piece of shit that is Kristeva's Power of Horror. So I am not the only one wondering what the hell this module is about.

I shall now get back to work because as of now I have, effectively, 24 hours to study 13 weeks worth of Social Work.
This semester is tragic.

an evening in the life of a conflicted undergrad

2011-04-21T23:23:00.001+08:00

it is too hot in my room. so i turn the aircon on. and then it becomes unbearably cold. which makes me want to sleep. so i turn the aircon off. and it is too hot again. so i start to perspire. which makes me want to sleep. so i turn the aircon on. and then it becomes unbearably cold. which makes me want to sleep. so i turn the aircon off. and it is too hot again. so i start to perspire. which makes me want to sleep. so i turn the aircon on. and then it becomes unbearably cold. which makes me want to sleep. so i turn the aircon off. and it is too hot again. so i start to perspire. which makes me want to sleep. so i turn the aircon on. and then it becomes unbearably cold. which makes me want to sleep. so i turn the aircon off. and it is too hot again. so i start to perspire. which makes me want to sleep.

eleven days and i will be able to breathe easy again

2011-04-21T15:32:00.001+08:00

i know that things will work out fine, with a bit of effort they always do.

announcement to make.

2011-04-21T01:18:00.001+08:00

lj fries, potato and shrimp salad, 3 slices of hawaiian pizza, a spicy drumlet and 2 packets of yeo's lemon tea + shahul, yanda, zhian and lynn = a very happy dinner

(...except i am so full now all i want to do is roll around the carpet)

haven't started on lit, but i am soooo tired already. naaaap!

Think again.

2011-04-20T10:30:00.000+08:00

Cool, uncool, who's to say?

in view of what's to come,

2011-04-20T09:28:00.002+08:00

Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

--Elizabeth Browning

i miss you.

made my day, even though i didnt get to eat tau huay

2011-04-19T23:46:00.002+08:00

8:02pm (text to shahul)
Omg desperately craving for tang yuan + tau huay + you tiao man!!!

8:16pm (shahul's reply)
How desperate is desperate. Explain :p

(Quite bummed that he didn't just call to ask if I wanted to go for supper, so I went to the kitchen and ordered myself a bowl of maggi and came back feeling very unsatisfied.)

10:00pm (call from shahul)
s Eh, you want tau huay?
me Nah, not anymore
s Ohh...
me Why?
s Cus I'm at Selegie...wondering if you want any tau huay...I can buy for you...

(((:

Girls (eyeroll)

2011-04-19T19:40:00.003+08:00

I hate it when girls become obsessed about losing weight. Especially when they take pains to skip meals just to stay skinny. I am not talking about the girls who lose all appetite under stress--that I can empathize with--but rather the girls who deliberately starve themselves and (as a result of their sheer stupidity,) develop an aversion to food. Sure, I can understand if you're upset about gaining 5kgs in the past month, but not when you stand at 1.65 and weigh only a miserable 40 or 43kg? I mean, how light do you want to be? 35? 30?

are you living a _ _ _

2011-04-19T09:38:00.000+08:00

"the moment someone keeps an eye on what we do, we involuntarily make allowances for that eye, and nothing we do is truthful. Having a public, keeping a public in mind, means living in lies…"
— Milan Kundera (The Unbearable Lightness of Being)

2011-04-18T09:49:00.001+08:00

chains, chains, chained.

Now that I have wasted 2 hours of my very precious time looking at bags that I cannot afford, I shall go have chee chong fun for breakfast.

On another note, I memorize strings of numbers in mandarin. Which basically means that most of your phone numbers are encoded in my head in the chinese language, and when I attempt to recall your numbers they are brought forth to my consciousness in mandarin.
Last night I muttered my posb account number in mandarin before translating the numbers to english for bervin and that gave him quite a shock. Oh my god you're so chinese.

Oh my god yes, I am so chinese.

singapore-japan-america

2011-04-16T10:07:00.002+08:00

so i'm guessing..........that this is it?

my mind is whirlpool

2011-04-14T15:22:00.002+08:00

Current state:

I'm thirsty and I am pressed for time I have a lab report due in less than 24 hours and I haven't written a thing on my Word document, but I will finish this entry before I grab myself a glass of water and start on my work.

This is insane.
There's too much on my mind and I need to talk to the bear. I miss my little brown bear ):

The only way out is IN.

2011-04-13T18:12:00.003+08:00

"I closed not my eyes that night. My internal being was in a state of insurrection and turmoil; I felt that order would hence arise, but I had no power to produce it."

Empty promises, light as air.

2011-04-12T12:14:00.001+08:00

I love you but...

I miss you but...

I don't needs buts.

I don't need your words. I have novels for that.

deep rest

2011-04-10T19:37:00.001+08:00

S: tmr i will die because there's no reason to wake up.

i think our dream might not materialize after all. i dont like how things are screwing up one by one. like we've run out of luck, except we never had any to begin with.

and to dear old (perhaps unintentionally) judgmental (you were born this way, i can empathize) friends, i am not wallowing in self pity.

what's wrong with you?

2011-04-10T08:22:00.003+08:00

last night i realized that true friends do not probe.
they bring you out to ice cream. they try their best to make you laugh. they send you little notes. they make sure you stay safe. they will sit down with you for hours in silence, just so that you might feel a little better knowing that you have company. they respect that if you want to share, you eventually will, but till that day comes, their job is just to make sure that you don't die alone in pain.

the people who keep asking you for the cause of your pain? they are the gossip mongers, the nosy parkers who want to know for the sake of knowing, and not because they really care. all they want is reassurance--that they are trusted, that they are in the know, that they are involved with everyones' lives, that they have knowledge about everyones' personal lives--at the expense of your secret. they may give you the best displays of sympathy, but it is only for show, and the show ends the moment your meeting concludes.

i don't need gossip mongers in my life.

It was suicidally beautiful.

2011-04-09T11:03:00.009+08:00

you're standing in the distance. you're trying to comfort me. but i don't need that. i don't need you to comfort me from a distance. you think that i am strong enough. but through it all

you never knew me.

i have been wishing very hard.

2011-04-08T11:35:00.000+08:00

I wish.

there is nothing to look forward to but for the letters to come and the dreary procedures to be over. it is prime time to bid adieu. a month is too long a period of time to say goodbye. there is nothing left to say. i will never get over this. it's not something people grow to forget. i am not like the ones you've had before. and i will never be the same again.

There's something that I can't quite explain

2011-04-07T10:39:00.001+08:00

I wonder if it is normal to be so sick of life.

2011-04-04T09:33:00.002+08:00

The concluding months of every semester kill me -- they fill me up with dread, rob me of all my appetite, put me in a perpetual state of gloom and as a result turn me into a most difficult person. I can no longer find joy in anything. Even food turns me off.

These days I don't have the energy to do anything. My thighs are sore, my mind is weak, my thoughts are on the amount of work I (shouldn't) have been neglecting, (and money, how to get more money. how to get more money.) my body is a mess, I know it, I can feel it, it's about to break down, like my printer, and sometimes my blackberry; I am barely surviving.

Last week was such a nightmare. Next week is going to be worse. It is Week 12 today. I still have a presentation, an SPSS output to figure out and a lab report to complete. Week 13 is my final week in NUS. Then comes the exams that I haven't even started studying for.

These 3 years in NUS, have been the worst 3 years of my life.
I hate public transport. I hate public transport. I hate public transport. I hate public transport. I hate public transport. I hate public transport.

Right then.
Goodbye.

everyday's the same.

2011-03-30T11:31:00.001+08:00

wtf?!?!

(repeat)

Take me away.

2011-03-29T17:42:00.000+08:00

I am sick the weather is terrible and I need to rest but there is no time for rest
My schedule spells
- A fucking ton of readings for lit (why the flying fuck i decided to minor in lit i still don't know) tomorrow because the professor practically sent an email warning us to go for tomorrow's seminar prepared,
- A serious lot of tutorial preparation for social work (seriously, it's almost a project every alternate week.)
- Analysis of the data we got from our psych experiment -- I have zero idea how to do this, and the prof plainly refuses to help. All she does is roll her eyes at us when we ask questions pertaining to our experiment. 'the fuck how to run SPSS on my fucking data? I might as well as have taken an independent study module if I am supposed to work this independently?!

And the thought of having to stay in school until 9 or 10pm tomorrow and then go back to school at 6am the next morning makes me want to run very, very far away and never come back.

Blah blah blah.

2011-03-27T20:34:00.001+08:00

People demand complete honesty, but they can never handle the hard truth.
Don't ask about what I am thinking of, and don't make me share my thoughts if all you are going to do is get mad at me for having opinions that are not aligned with yours.

I feel really disillusioned. Like somebody just burst my bubble. I take back the song. My heart is no longer singing.

Goodbyes give me a heartache

2011-03-27T11:41:00.009+08:00

I have never been interested in politics, never cared much about voting, never resented the government for any of its policies, never been very bothered about their rising payslips, nor have I complained about any of their decisions -- but that is neither because I am shallow or stupid, nor because I don't like, or care about the future of this country, or anything along those lines. I am simply comfortable with the way things are, and I just don't see a need to constantly be picking on the government.

I have always felt like this is a country where everyone has a chance to succeed. Surely we all recognize the fact that those in the higher social strata have a higher chance of outdoing the rest--the rich can (usually) only get richer because with wealth comes an abundance of social connections and opportunities--but I think that we also need to realize that there is no point in complaining about the unfairness of it all. The rich must have done something to get to the place they are in the first place. We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.
So many of our parents have come from a foreign land and made this place a home, and I seriously doubt that it was the glorious climate or amazingly low cost of living that helped them decide. This place is full of opportunities, and one can rest assured that working hard will get him somewhere, and if it doesn't, that there is an abundance of social work agencies (lol) ready to help. Besides, the health care system is good, the schemes planned for the people are elaborate and has generally been beneficial, financial and social aid are widely available....This much is evident.

I study hard, I get encouragement from the government in the form of bursaries, grants and awards, I am encouraged to study harder, I get into a globally recognized tertiary institution, I get a degree, I am qualified, and what I continue to do with my life is up to me to decide. Point is, I feel like I have never been deprived of a chance for upward social mobility, and with every step I take I feel like there is somebody watching over me, providing me with a good environment to study and ensuring that I get the most amazing mentors to guide me along.

I like the place I live at, it is clean, the environment is pleasant, the facilities are abundant, and there are policemen patrolling, keeping it safe. I don't live in fear of riots or robberies (even though slashing has recently become an issue...), I have never feared corruption, I can sit in my living room with the gates opened wide because I know, and I like my neighbours. I know for a fact that the cleaners are working hard to clear the mess we leave behind, that the bus drivers will not be smoking and skiiving away so that I will be late if I took public transport, that honest people deliver my mail and......in short, I know that everyone else is working hard, along with me.

And sure, you can complain that the rich are enjoying themselves, sitting in front of the TV investing their money and watching it grow, watching their mansions and the properties under their name grow....whatever, these people are lucky, and that is what happens sometimes. Some people are lucky.

You can complain about the government all you want, but I am contented with the way things are. Things could be a lot worse, and frankly, I doubt it can get any better than this.

I know that this post goes beyond my usual scope of discussion (which is essentially juvenile and vain), but I just had to express what I have been feeling since I found out that Prof Jayakumar will not be contesting for East Coast GRC this year because he's retiring (afterwards I also realized that Mr Abdullah Tarmugi will also be retiring...)

Just felt like I needed to tell everyone about how happy I am to be a Singaporean (...........most of the time. i mean the weather really stinks, and the culture is....well, a subject best left for another day, but those are things that the government cannot change.......)

Well, to the people who have been complaining incessantly about the government, why don't you shut up and do something about whatever you seem to have so much to say about? If you're so unhappy about the rise in their payslips, why don't you make yourself a minister and announce to the world that no, you will not accept a rise because the situation does not call for it, and that you would rather donate this increment to Japan? If you want to complain about something, make sure that you can do a better job. And if you feel like you can do such a good job, why not contest for the position? If not why don't you just migrate to another country? If you're capable and coveted enough you should have no problems with that anyway.

And if you feel, after reading this long rant, that I am just an imbecile, and that you have a thousand things to rebut....don't bother. I am not saying that the government is perfect, because let's face it, how many governments that you know of are perfect? And if you feel like you can do a better job, by all means, please go contest for the position. Or offer constructive criticisms. Or put yourself in the position where you have the power to demand changes that you think will be beneficial for all of us.
At least that is what I am working towards.
What are you doing aside from complaining?

maxi-nspiration

2011-03-25T10:24:00.005+08:00

maxi-npiration;

maxi dresses, maxi skirts, leopard print, cut out, chiffon, wide leg pants

.......oooohhhhyeahhhh

Pretty (unaffordable) things aside, last night I opened the package supposedly containing the fabulous toga dress I bought online 16 days ago only to be confronted by what looks suspiciously like a retired gunny sack.

Oh the horror.

The stock photos promised a very light shade cream/pink shade and.....wtf kind of a shade is this?! I mean, if I had to give a name to this shade of pink I'd call it the Chinese Pink. or else the Cheap Pink. Either ways..................

le sigh.

But after emailing the seller multiple times and realizing that there was no way she was going to relent and give me the refund I deserve....... I put the dress on stared at my reflection in the mirror for about half an hour. And.... hideous as the color may be, I have now managed to convince myself that I might be able to pull this disgusting shade off after all.........................but not because I am Chinese (even though I am....but only by race, not nationality) or Cheap. it's more like, because pretty girls can pull everything off and let's face it, I am so pretty I get jealous of myself sometimes.
....I WAS JUST KIDDING YOU CAN SPARE ME YOUR CONVOLUTED EXPRESSIONS NOW

iz oright, iz oright.

Okay but thaz all, I'm off to do some social work assignment.
Or eat Bak kwa.

This is my winter song to you

2011-03-22T11:30:00.004+08:00

Sitting by the window on a rainy morning, listening to Ellie Goulding - Your Song (click)

Your smell keeps floating in through the open window.

I miss you.

Mid Monday rant

2011-03-21T11:09:00.002+08:00

thick chains &bangles

been waiting for my loot to arrive for about 3 weeks now. it's not like i have the occasion to put on everything i buy (especially since, yknow, i have the tendency to end up buying dresses that are really inappropriate for everyday wear) but i get so excited waiting for the postman to arrive with my mail you'd think checking the mailbox is the highlight of my monotonous weekdays omgfml

on another note i'm getting quite annoyed with this particular friend on facebook. she's been looking through my facebook friends and randomly adding the better looking people on the list. it really wouldn't bother me so much if people didn't start asking who the f this person is because the only common friend she has with them is me. the worst part is that she's a family friend and i really have no idea how to put it across to her that she's embarrassing me to death.

also annoying on facebook

(1)is when my family members begin questioning my facebook activities (which really reflect what i've been up to irl) IN FRONT OF MY MOM.

(2)is when seniors from secondary school who never so much as looked my way when i was 14 add me up because "wow you've become such a babe now." IF BY YOURE A BABE YOU MEAN I NOW LOOK LIKE THOSE SLUTS YOU USED TO PAY A LOT OF ATTENTION TO BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL, THEN NO THANKS I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A BABE.

(3)is when i read annoying self righteous showy pretentious status updates. "sigh, another girl who's not perfect enough for me" ...makes me want to shove a rod up said person's rectum

(4)is memorable facebook status updates (on the right hand panel): last night they displayed some of b's status updates from 2009/2010. i really didn't need to see those updates, fb!

but you know i am not one to just rant and do nothing about it. so last week i blocked a handful of people's updates from my wall I REALLY SHOULD'AVE DONE THIS LONG AGO, deleted about 40 people (old friends who never speak to me anymore, seniors/juniors who don't say hi irl but somehow decide that it is very appropriate for them to add me up on facebook, people i've only hung out with for a day or two and never spoke with again, whose lives i have abso no interest in, whom i'm uncomfortable granting access to my private info to.) and i'm on a rollllll. delete me if you please. i'll probably just very accidentally spill a drink on you or something the next time i see you irl if i find you missing from my friends list.

okay done with my rant.

see you on facebook

.........or not!

edit// BERVIN PROMISED TO PAY FOR USS WITH THE GOVT PAYOUT HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY.

Time together is just never quite enough

2011-03-20T22:48:00.000+08:00

(gotta love how perverted we both look in the 2nd photo)

Caught Battle Los Angeles with Bervin this afternoon before parting for what's going to be yet another long and forlorn week ):

Oldies

2011-03-16T21:29:00.003+08:00

While digging out old photos for tutorial tomorrow (don't ask.) I decided that I might as well as just run them through the scanner just to show you how grumpy I looked as a child. Seriously if they put me on Sesame Street back then I'd have put Oscar out of his job as the resident grouch.

So here's me,

GROUCHY.

NO idea what was going on with the hair back then, but my primary school had this ridiculous rule about the hair being strictly above the ear in length.........which resulted in my being extremely ugly for the bulk of my primary school life. oh but ballerinas were allowed to have silky smooth long hair though, and as you can imagine the ballerinas were the queen bees in primary school. unfortunately i wasn't a ballerina. the first and only time i ever came close to performing a split was when i fell from a bike.
i was quite the rebel. i ate a lot, always had a packet of you tiao/pancakes in my pocket, and spent all my time composing love letters to i cannot even remember who. i also may or may not have bullied some people on the school bus.

i took on my job as the grouch very seriously. on daddy's shoulder also grouchy.

holding balloon also grouchy.
but i realize that somewhere along the way i learned how to smile. i think that was also when i started to talk a lot.

but c'mon i looked so cute (and harmless) i cannot imagine why anyone'd have complained about my incessant chatter. except notice how my eyes look like horizontal commas. i am the epitome of -_- <-- this emoticon.
and that's my cousin, by the way. my other cousins used to taunt him about his very big head (on hindsight...his head very big meh?) and he would reply with his signature song that goes like,

大头大头

下雨不愁

你有雨伞

我有大头

(which basically translates to: big head big head, raining no fret, you have brolly, i have big head!)

and then at this point i gave up digging for more photos because i'm not exactly thrilled about doing a timeline of how my looks deteriorated over time..........
(wanted to put up a picture of mommy and daddy but i decided against that cus like, the internet's dangeroz and everythin', ykno?)

but here i would like to take the chance to show the world the most unflattering childhood photo of s chan because her facebook display picture completely outshines mine.

(p.s nice hair!)

but okay that's all for now. going to go get a slice of strawberry short cake because i'm perpetually hungry like that!
xoxoxoxooxox

I am still Online

2011-03-15T19:16:00.001+08:00

Now that I have successfully gotten Bervin hooked on to me (to the point of no return, I like to believe), I can finally go back to being a

MAN·RE·PELL·ER [MAHN-REE-PELLER]
–noun
outfitting oneself in a sartorially offensive way that will result in repelling members of the opposite sex. Such garments include but are not limited to harem pants, boyfriend jeans, overalls (see: human repelling), shoulder pads, full length jumpsuits, jewelry that resembles violent weaponry and clogs.
(via The Man Repeller)

Yay to comfortable clothes that allow me to twist my limbs in all sorts of funny angles without giving everyone else sore eyes!

Note to self.

2011-03-15T18:04:00.000+08:00

'If you make people believe that you didn't succeed because you were born in the wrong house, you weren't given enough tuition, you went to the wrong school - how many of you really believe that, honestly?' he asked rhetorically, voice rising with emotion. 'You are the one who can determine your own success - yes, life might be hard for you, but if you try, you can succeed, and others have.'

these days i find myself so ashamed for complaining so much. (guilty face)

In midst of work:

2011-03-15T16:41:00.002+08:00

(photos stolen from here)

This entry is about Japan

2011-03-14T10:18:00.012+08:00

Well all of you should know by now about what is going on in Japan, but in case you haven't been keeping up with the disaster, here are some updates:

-Officials predict that the death toll could top 10,000
-The country mobilised 100,000 soldiers to deliver food, fuel, water and pull stranded survivors from buildings and damaged homes.
-More than 450,000 people had been evacuated.
-Nationwide, about 1.8 million households were without power, and 1.4 million without electricity
-Tens of thousands of people had taken shelter in schools and stadiums to escape near-freezing temperatures.

What really touched me most about this situation is how everyone is coming together to try to help Japan:

-The Indian government is getting ready to ship planeloads of woollen blankets to affected areas to help fight cold weather conditions
(this made me smile, and warmed me up on the inside. what a cute, and very thoughtful gesture.)
-The mayor of Afghanistan's southern Kandahar City told Reuters on Sunday the city is donating $50,000 to the "sisters and brothers" of Japan.
-Australia's government has offered self-contained field hospitals and disaster victim identification teams, with two military transport aircraft carrying search and rescue teams, as well as sniffer dogs, having already left.
-A U.S. aircraft carrier off the northeastern coast launched relief operations with U.S. and Japanese helicopters transporting 30,000 portions of emergency food supplies.
-South Korea is sending a rescue team of about 100 workers.
-China's 15-member rescue team arrived in Japan on Sunday, state news agency Xinhua said, bringing with them four tonnes of equipment for search and rescue operations, including their own power supply and telecommunications.

&
I just donated the last 5USD in my paypal account to the Japan Earthquake and Tsunami Relief Fund - a GlobalGiving Project. I know that the sum is terribly small, and I am going to give more as soon as I can. I am not trying to show off or be over zealous and I'm sorry if my post irked you, but Japan needs help.
You can donate via paypal too, it's a really easy process. Alternatively you click here for the list of organizations working on the relief and recovery in the region.

There is no point in lamenting about how dire the situation is. Do something about it. At least pray.
To quote one of my favourite bloggers,
"if you’re asking how’s a prayer going to help – God heals and restores, what more can anyone ask for when everything’s broken?"

Good day, my friends.
We are lucky to have escaped yet another calamity.

E, is very very, Extraordinary......

2011-03-13T13:26:00.000+08:00

so i ended up having a pretty good time rolling around the house yesterday.

yesterday.

2011-03-13T01:19:00.003+08:00

quote of the (wednes)day

"we like tall girls. but we hate them too." --Random Douchebag

.....yeahhhhh, just like how i like singaporean men, but there are so little of them around.

today.

2011-03-12T11:31:00.003+08:00

i really don't feel like i should be scrolling through my facebook updates anymore. i've had quite enough of being jealous of everyone who's on exchange/on a random trip across europe. as of now i don't even know what's going to happen, and if i'm not going to rake in the money quickly enough nothing is even going to happen.
i am so sick of this place. the same corners, the same ridiculously humid weather, the same monotonous (&expensive) activities, the same unfriendly stares, the same grumpy strangers, the same, the same, the same.

on another note, i have 0 motivation to do anything. i just want to crush myself into a ball and roll around the house. but bervin's coming over so maybe we can roll around the house together. yay!

V, is very very, extraordinary....

2011-03-12T00:34:00.000+08:00

hi hunny, ONE MORE DAY! (extra wide grin)

i want to have pizza and just roll around the carpet wrestling with you tomorrow! (.....or i could just collapse on you and fall asleep hehe)

C U L8R ALLIG8OR!

O, is for the only one I see

2011-03-09T08:54:00.000+08:00

good morning love,

today's going to be a busy, busy day. on the bright side it's 3 days till i get to see you again!