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these are my confessions
when i was younger i used to assume that people stayed together because of superficial reasons like good looks. i don't think i was a particularly bright girl (late bloomer), but i'd still like to think that it was more my age and inexperience that caused me to think so superficially. i remember sitting down with my girlfriends just to lament on how some couples are so lopsided in the looks department. "she...must have a good heart?" "...or maybe she's good at other things." i used to be so proud of myself for coming up with sarcastic reasons like that, until i landed myself a stud and became one of those girls i used to talk about.
sometimes it upsets me when i think about what other people say, especially since bervin has a throng of fans fawning over his muscles and "exotic" looks, because i used to say the very things that they are probably saying about me right now.
but guess what. i do have a good heart. and yes, he likes that about me. and whatever else you think i have that makes him so devoted to what we have? yeah i probably have them all. (except patience and extraordinary bosoms--those i won't pretend to possess)
bervin used to complain a lot about not being featured enough on my blog. he used to tell me that he should be the center of my soliloquies on this blog, much like he is the center of my universe. nothing changed through those complaints, and somewhere along the way he got tired of trying and gave up telling me to write about him.
the truth is, i don't like to discuss my relationship on public domains because i fear backlash. many a time i want to tell the world about how amazing my boyfriend is, and how happy we are, and all the wonderful things he's done for me...but i stop myself before i can publish my posts. Because I don't want you to know. i don't want you to know how happy i am because when things fall apart i don't want you to be able to gloat. i don't want you to know how miserable i was when, for the first time in our 2 years together, we had the biggest fight that almost broke us and i don't want you to know that what we did to spite each other during that episode hurt me so bad that those memories still haunts me everyday.
but today i'd like you to know, that in spite of all that i say and how i behave, i find myself having to fight my insecurities every waking moment of the day--they tell me that i am not good enough. my face. my hair. my body. my weight. my academics. my status. my feet. my back. my everything. nothing about me is good enough. I know it.
and yet i still have bervin, because--going back to what i started this entry off with in the first place,--love is not just about good looks (or the lack of it.) i won't pretend to know what love is all about, but it is definitely much more than liking how your partner looks in that dress, or that picture. at least what i have with bervin is beyond that. i am the first person he comes to when he needs a friend; when he runs into difficulties; when he is bored, or tired, or in need of an opinion; when he wants to talk about his friends, family, work, whatever. and honestly i can't imagine my life without him. (i hate how sappy that came out.) the kind of history we have, all the terrifying moments he held my hand through, waiting for 9pm every night just to call him back in our first year, and all that pining for each other throughout the year that i was away... all that cannot be replaced by anyone new. so yes, i guess bervin is not superficial, because he's in love with me and what we have. and as much, and as often as you may think of me as insufficient... i guess we'll just all have to end up dealing with the fact that not all good looking men end up with supermodels.
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