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posted : Sunday, December 4, 2011
title : A struggle
Every day of the past 2 weeks have been a struggle, and it almost feels like I've been functioning solely on the bouts of adrenaline rush that come with witnessing, or being in a fight. Sometimes it takes a little more than an instant for me to recover from listening to the prolonged painful screams of "GET OFF ME", but mostly the extensive action leave me unsettled and shaking for the rest of the night. (But they don't notice because I'm good at pretending, which this job requires so much of.)
Some nights I get nightmares of the children. How crass, how explosive, how volatile, how malicious, how dangerous they are. Some nights it gets to me. I've been having recurring dreams related to my weight. I've gained at least 8 pounds since I got here, and it shows. I have nightmares about going home fat and ugly, and being teased mercilessly about my weight gain, and I almost always wake up in cold sweat. That's how much it bothers me. These days when I look in the mirror it pains me that I almost never find myself attractive anymore. Not even mildly. Not even with all that make up. Sigh. I'm going to have a good, long sleep tonight, and hopefully wake up feeling better about life tomorrow. I need to pull myself back together and get back in the game. Goodnight! |
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